In the search of myself…………… what is love?

Topic of the day is ‘what is love’? I am not going to discuss about love among the family members, because that itself a huge topic on its own, and there is nothing complex about it. What’s very complex and fascinating is love between man and women. And I am going to write down about this strange phenomenon in my viewpoint, and this is only about my understanding about love which I have gained through invaluable life experiences. Please don’t misunderstand this post as my sexual adventures to prove my manhood.

Let me start from the time when I was very very young, may be in third or fourth class. I can recollect memories of that time and I am very sure that I was attracted to the opposite sex from that time itself. Matter of the fact is I dint know what to do and how to do, but I had this strange fascination for beautiful women (I can say that they all were elders to me, some neighbors, some seniors in school etc). What I can recollect is that I loved spending time with them (talking, going out for a walk with them, singing and dancing in front them, all kinds of activities which can give me an opportunity to spend some time with them).

I think in fifth class I had my first crush. Obviously it doesn’t matter who she was and how do I know her. But I had this very strange fascination for her (she was of my age). I loved to spend time with her mostly displaying my USP’s in front of her (like jumping walls, running faster than others, gaining first rank in class, all kinds of heroic things). I have no idea, why was I doing it but it could be the influence of cinemas on me (I was a great chiranjeevi’s fan then). I must have spend only one year with her, and because she has joined another school, I dint have any opportunity to meet her again. But this first crush continued until my 8^th or 10^th or may be still now. I used to see her once in a while on road, and I can clearly remember that the momentary glance at her used change the entire quality of the day. Until 10^th class I dint come across any girl to show some strong impact on me.

This I would call this as the first phase of understanding about love in my life. During this period I was a biggest fan of ‘prema prema’ song from premadesam film, because actress Tabbu looks quite similar to this girl. As I said this was the first phase of love in my life, I was under impression that this is love, I mean true love; I mean the love which they used to show in movies. I dreamt of hugging and kissing her, that’s all I know. Even if god had given me a chance to spend some time with her I could have hugged her for a longer time, because I dint know any thing else to do.

My second phase of understanding about love happened when I was in my intermediate. That’s when I watched a porn film for the first time, and gained some insights about love. That porn film had answered many confusing and Grey areas in my mind. That time I knew what to do, if god had given me some time, i could nave done something creative. But somehow I believed that there are two types of loves; one as in the porn films and the other as in the Telugu films. I was under the impression that love and attraction were different. This impression continued for a long time.

The third phase of understanding about love happened in my engineering days. During my engineering days I used to like a girl very much. I was always under the impression that, it was love not attraction. But all my hopes for pure love were shattered when I had a dream, in the dream I was making love to her. This wonderful dream has cleared many questions in my mind. This dream made me realize that my assumption of love is nothing but a basic need for sex. At this point, to me, love is nothing but a magic created by nature to aid reproduction.

At this point of life, I was very clear about my needs. I was very sure that all that I needed is sex. But the social system in India has failed to provide me with an opportunity to experience my greatest desire.

The last and the final experience happened when I was in UK. Until this experience happened, I was very sure that I would sleep with any women if the opportunity presents itself. And one fine day it has happened. I happened to ended up in my house with one woman and we both were drunk. After hugging and kissing for a while, I tried to remove her top. She stopped me, and I dint understand why, I asked her so. She said she was not ready. I couldn’t understand that! She said that she was dumped by two or three men before, and she wanted some time to prepare herself for this. That was one of the most embarrassing, disgusting and insightful moments in my life. I said nothing, and let her off my room. Next day I had received more than 10 texts, all of them inviting me to her room to have fun. I went to her room, sat down, had a beer and told her to forget about what has happened before. I made it clear that I was not interested in her anymore in a humble manner.

This whole incident to me is one of the biggest lessons of my life. It taught me the basic mismatch of expectations between me and that woman. I wanted sex, but she wanted love. Love is a most confusing and unknown territory to me. So I couldn’t offer her any, that’s why I turned her down. But I thank this woman whole heartedly, because she taught me a beautiful lesson without saying a single word.

Now what I know is ‘Love is something which women wanted from me’. But I have no idea, not even a clue about what this love is………

And finally my 25 years of celibacy is nothing but a lack of opportunity.

An Anonymous Package.